Me

During a discussion about maybe starting a family...

Wife: But what kind of mother would I be if I wasn't at home to look after my kids because I'm at rehearsals?
Husband: An artist.
Wife: Would father be home to look after them?
Husband: I would hope so! (pause) Oh, you mean me?

Skin

Wife: (comparing tans) We have quite similar skin.
Husband: Mmm. Human?

Crazy for you

Wife: I don't know why im so crazy about you. 
Husband: I just know why I'm crazy about myself. Because I don't have a choice

Problems

"The problem with our problems is that I don't have any problems with our problems." - Husband

Sitcom

Following the revelation that sitcom means situation comedy, husband muses "what's wrong with the situations in other comedies?"

Facebook trouble

"It's really wonderful that you have 600 friends that are waiting to hear about the weather, but you married me so can you make me some f***ing breakfast?"

Through his stomach

Hubby told me if he wasn't already married to me he would marry me immediately. yes, i fed him.